1. 22 Feb



    How to tell if you're married to a *normal* social media user

    1. (Me) Facebook has done another update. See this... [points to changes in Facebook UI]
    2. (Blank stares at screen from husband)
    3. (Me) It's like... 50 x different.
    4. (Hus) No it's not.
    5. (Me) You just don't see it.
     

  2. 5 Feb


    Wife: Where’s Portugal again? …. Spain! Husband: No, Portugal is its own country somewhere in South America. Wife: I don’t think so.

    Wife: Where’s Portugal again? …. Spain!

    Husband: No, Portugal is its own country somewhere in South America.

    Wife: I don’t think so.

     

  3. 14 Jan



    Conversations in New Zealand

    1. A real Skype conversation with a colleague about how the American candy I bought to bring back to New Zealand never made our flight back here (says Qantas who are shipping it to us now).
    2. Colleague: You don't have any treats on you right now?
    3. Me: I have cheeze-its.
    4. Colleague: That doesn't sound like a treat. Are they chips?
    5. Me: No, they are cheesy bite-sized carbs... a real treat. All my candy I bought is in the tub they left in Seattle.
    6. Colleague: What do you mean the tub? The bath?
    7. Me: Like a storage container.
    8. Colleague: Oh, that makes more sense.
     

  4. 9 Jan



    Notables from The Bachelor

    The Bachelor started tonight… that means 26 cray cray women all fightin’ it out for one man without his shirt on. A few quotes from tonight’s show:

    • When you got dumped by Emily, I told my mom - Mom, that’s the guy I’m gonna marry.
    • I really am fun. I just wish I was a little more sober.
    • I don’t fight over a guy… it’s just hard.
    • I really want to find love but I’m not sure if it’s even worth it when it feels this bad.
    • The devastation… I try not to let it sink in… but it does. It hurts.
     

  5. 29 Dec



    A man's breakfast

    1. Husband heated up leftover Christmas food for breakfast this morning.
    2. Him: Holy crap. Some turkey, gravy and beans with my biscuits and gravy. Gonna be good.
    3. ^Why I don't let him cook.
     

  6. 12 Nov



    A flying, mermaid beauty

    1. When there is absolutely nothing else on TV, we sometimes watch Beauty and the Geek Australia -- which is, if I can say so, a class-act show... entertainment at its worst. Tonight we were fortunate enough to catch a true Beauty and the Geek pageant. The geeks were to sport their swimwear, a "budgie smuggler" (speed-o, we call them in the states) while the beauties took to the stage to answer topic-based questions. This was tonight's winner:
    2. Panel: If you had 3 wishes, what would you wish for?
    3. Beauty: I would wish for my own little island, that I could fly, and that I could turn into a mermaid when I want to.
     

  7. 11 Oct



    Richie McCaw's new book

    1. This morning Adele's copy of the new Richie McCaw book arrived. Everyone is so excited because, helloooo it's Richie McCaw - only the captain of the best Rugby team ever blessed by God and also the most trusted individual in New Zealand according to a recent Reader's Digest poll. Adele is our team Rugby fanatic. Matt is the biblical intellectual. Paul has lived many lives -- I believe he was once a nutritionist, bartender and veterinarian among other things. In this situation, I played the part of listener since I'm working on that lately.
    2. Adele: I'm taking Richie home with me tonight.
    3. Paul: I still don't really like the way it's written.
    4. Matt: It's written a lot like the way the book of Mark was written.
    5. Me: Can you remind us about how Mark was written?
    6. Matt: Well, he wrote about going from place to place. First we were here, then we were there. And Mark was lowly educated, not really a storyteller. Like Richie McCaw.
    7. Paul: Richie McCaw was a pilot.
    8. Adele: Richie McCaw is not lowly educated. How dare you say that.
    9. Matt: I'm just saying they were written similarly.
    10. Paul: You see, I reckon it's written the way Sin City was.
    11. Me: Sin City!!!! Wasn't that a movie?
    12. Paul: Yep.
    13. Me: Black and white, right? I broke up with my high school boyfriend during that movie.
     

  8. 28 Sep



    Jell-o and buffalo sauce

    1. (Matt and Mandy are New Zealanders. I am the token American in the office)
    2. Me: Oh, is that Jell-o?
    3. Matt: Jelloooo?
    4. Me: Yes.
    5. Mandy: It's jelly.
    6. Me: Right, but it's actually called Jell-o.
    7. Matt: No, it's called jelly.
    8. Me: I don't think it is.
    9. Mandy: When I went to the US and I ordered a biscuit, they'd give me a scone.
    10. Me: Oh, that's because our biscuits are like butter buns. I don't like calling cookies biscuits, reminds me of dog biscuits.
    11. Matt: It's a British thing.
    12. Me: Yeah, we aren't British.
    13. (10 seconds later)
    14. Me: These remind me of burritos (making fresh spring rolls at lunch with colleagues).
    15. Mandy: Oh, I loved the Mexican food in the U.S.
    16. Me: It's so good, huh? You guys have replaced Mexican food for Asian food here. You know what you needs is a Taco Bell.
    17. Matt: Taco Bell is bad az!!!
    18. Me: Taco Bell is totally not that bad. You just have to wait to eat it 'til like 1 am.
    19. New Zealander: Taco Bell is bad.
    20. Me: Ok, Jack n the Box then. They've got buffalo sauce there.
    21. New Zealander: Oh, buffalo sauce is sooo nice! It tastes so nice. Like BOOM in your mouth.
    22. (I can't argue with that).
     

  9. 27 Aug



    Destiny and me

    I’m not sure what lawyers, Express & American Eagle have to do with my destiny. But I think there’s something in there…

     

  10. 13 Aug


    timeless wisdom.

    timeless wisdom.