1. How to tell if you're married to a *normal* social media user

    1. (Me) Facebook has done another update. See this... [points to changes in Facebook UI]
    2. (Blank stares at screen from husband)
    3. (Me) It's like... 50 x different.
    4. (Hus) No it's not.
    5. (Me) You just don't see it.
     
  2. Wife: Where’s Portugal again? …. Spain!

    Husband: No, Portugal is its own country somewhere in South America.

    Wife: I don’t think so.

     

  3. Conversations in New Zealand

    1. A real Skype conversation with a colleague about how the American candy I bought to bring back to New Zealand never made our flight back here (says Qantas who are shipping it to us now).
    2. Colleague: You don't have any treats on you right now?
    3. Me: I have cheeze-its.
    4. Colleague: That doesn't sound like a treat. Are they chips?
    5. Me: No, they are cheesy bite-sized carbs... a real treat. All my candy I bought is in the tub they left in Seattle.
    6. Colleague: What do you mean the tub? The bath?
    7. Me: Like a storage container.
    8. Colleague: Oh, that makes more sense.
     

  4. Notables from The Bachelor

    The Bachelor started tonight… that means 26 cray cray women all fightin’ it out for one man without his shirt on. A few quotes from tonight’s show:

    • When you got dumped by Emily, I told my mom - Mom, that’s the guy I’m gonna marry.
    • I really am fun. I just wish I was a little more sober.
    • I don’t fight over a guy… it’s just hard.
    • I really want to find love but I’m not sure if it’s even worth it when it feels this bad.
    • The devastation… I try not to let it sink in… but it does. It hurts.
     

  5. A man's breakfast

    1. Husband heated up leftover Christmas food for breakfast this morning.
    2. Him: Holy crap. Some turkey, gravy and beans with my biscuits and gravy. Gonna be good.
    3. ^Why I don't let him cook.
     

  6. A flying, mermaid beauty

    1. When there is absolutely nothing else on TV, we sometimes watch Beauty and the Geek Australia -- which is, if I can say so, a class-act show... entertainment at its worst. Tonight we were fortunate enough to catch a true Beauty and the Geek pageant. The geeks were to sport their swimwear, a "budgie smuggler" (speed-o, we call them in the states) while the beauties took to the stage to answer topic-based questions. This was tonight's winner:
    2. Panel: If you had 3 wishes, what would you wish for?
    3. Beauty: I would wish for my own little island, that I could fly, and that I could turn into a mermaid when I want to.
     

  7. Richie McCaw's new book

    1. This morning Adele's copy of the new Richie McCaw book arrived. Everyone is so excited because, helloooo it's Richie McCaw - only the captain of the best Rugby team ever blessed by God and also the most trusted individual in New Zealand according to a recent Reader's Digest poll. Adele is our team Rugby fanatic. Matt is the biblical intellectual. Paul has lived many lives -- I believe he was once a nutritionist, bartender and veterinarian among other things. In this situation, I played the part of listener since I'm working on that lately.
    2. Adele: I'm taking Richie home with me tonight.
    3. Paul: I still don't really like the way it's written.
    4. Matt: It's written a lot like the way the book of Mark was written.
    5. Me: Can you remind us about how Mark was written?
    6. Matt: Well, he wrote about going from place to place. First we were here, then we were there. And Mark was lowly educated, not really a storyteller. Like Richie McCaw.
    7. Paul: Richie McCaw was a pilot.
    8. Adele: Richie McCaw is not lowly educated. How dare you say that.
    9. Matt: I'm just saying they were written similarly.
    10. Paul: You see, I reckon it's written the way Sin City was.
    11. Me: Sin City!!!! Wasn't that a movie?
    12. Paul: Yep.
    13. Me: Black and white, right? I broke up with my high school boyfriend during that movie.
     

  8. Jell-o and buffalo sauce

    1. (Matt and Mandy are New Zealanders. I am the token American in the office)
    2. Me: Oh, is that Jell-o?
    3. Matt: Jelloooo?
    4. Me: Yes.
    5. Mandy: It's jelly.
    6. Me: Right, but it's actually called Jell-o.
    7. Matt: No, it's called jelly.
    8. Me: I don't think it is.
    9. Mandy: When I went to the US and I ordered a biscuit, they'd give me a scone.
    10. Me: Oh, that's because our biscuits are like butter buns. I don't like calling cookies biscuits, reminds me of dog biscuits.
    11. Matt: It's a British thing.
    12. Me: Yeah, we aren't British.
    13. (10 seconds later)
    14. Me: These remind me of burritos (making fresh spring rolls at lunch with colleagues).
    15. Mandy: Oh, I loved the Mexican food in the U.S.
    16. Me: It's so good, huh? You guys have replaced Mexican food for Asian food here. You know what you needs is a Taco Bell.
    17. Matt: Taco Bell is bad az!!!
    18. Me: Taco Bell is totally not that bad. You just have to wait to eat it 'til like 1 am.
    19. New Zealander: Taco Bell is bad.
    20. Me: Ok, Jack n the Box then. They've got buffalo sauce there.
    21. New Zealander: Oh, buffalo sauce is sooo nice! It tastes so nice. Like BOOM in your mouth.
    22. (I can't argue with that).
     

  9. I’m not sure what lawyers, Express & American Eagle have to do with my destiny. But I think there’s something in there…

     
  10. timeless wisdom.